As many of you know, in 2010 I had the amazing opportunity to take a leap of faith. To take a chance on myself, to finally choose myself and my life. In April 2010 I arrived on the doorstep of Hilton Head Health to change my life for the better, and in the process be filmed for A&E’s Docudrama HEAVY. Myself and eleven other participants found ourselves way outside of our comfort zones, but we were in it together…and each of us had our own special and unique journey. Without going into too much detail here and now, my life was utterly and completely changed. No, scrap that, that’s too passive. I, with the help and support of many amazing people, changed my life in ways that I couldn’t have imagined in my wildest dreams. I was able to work through so much emotional trauma that I had been carrying around for years, and for the first time in forever, I was truly excited by all the possibilities of my new life!
So fast forward…it’s been a year to the day since I left Hilton Head Health, and filming of HEAVY wrapped. And it has, to my embarrassment, taken me this long to write my first blog. I have tossed around ideas, thought about writing a blog, talked about it, and haven’t published a damn thing. What stopped me? Fear of the unknown, not knowing exactly where I was planning on going with it? What was the purpose of it? What if the purpose changes? What is it going to be? What if it’s not perfect? What if, what if, what if? Meanwhile, it’s a year later…and I’m only just now sitting down to write my first blog. Why?
As I have during so many other times in my life, I allowed myself to be paralyzed by the fear of making any decision, in the fear that it wouldn’t be the right one. You don’t fall back, but consequently, you don’t move forward either. And my belief is that if we’re not changing, we’re dead. I lived inside a 470 pound body for too long, feeling like I was dying inside, and I felt that way of thinking insidiously creeping back into my thoughts little by little.
Last year, I participated in a memorial 5K at Hilton Head Health, Devin’s Dash. Devin was a massage therapist at H3, and a bright light to everyone who knew him. Last August, he passed away from cancer, and this race was to honor him, and to raise money for the American Cancer Society. It was an amazing, beautiful day, and such a tribute to Devin, and I couldn’t wait to go back this year for Devin’s Dash 2011 to celebrate his life and his irrepressible spirit. The race was to be held at the beginning of October, and marked almost a year since I had begun my journey outside the H3 bubble…so it was also symbolic.
Well, around the beginning of August, I really started to panic. I have struggled with maintaining healthy eating habits back in the real world, mainly because I held myself to some pretty unrealistic standards in some very tough situations. I knew I was a solid 45-50 pounds heavier than when I left H3, after losing 150 pounds. I was completely disappointed with myself, and I felt like a failure. I felt like I was going to disappoint every single person who took their valuable time to teach and support me, that I had failed. FAIL was beginning to become a frequently used word in my vocabulary again, particularly in my self-talk. As the race drew closer and closer, I was torn between seeing all these people I love and their imagined disappointment. I actually found myself toying with potential excuses to get out of going to Hilton Head, to being seen in the flesh. I could carry on the facade behind the safety of my computer, or on the other end of the telephone, could downplay just how much I was struggling. I found myself beginning to withdraw from the people I love, and from the things I love to do…isolating myself again. The difference was, this time I knew it, and that made it a living torture. If there’s one unmistakable benefit to having six months to completely focus on yourself, it’s that you’re finally able to listen to your body and your mind…and really hear it. I knew I was headed for trouble and I knew I had to do something fast.
Although I lost about twenty of the 45-50 pounds I had gained back, I was still unsure whether or not I could face the music. In the end, I took the plunge and decided to go to Hilton Head. Was I scared? Words cannot begin to express how absolutely terrified I was. But what terrified me more was being stagnant, which I knew would eventually lead me back down the path of destruction soon enough. I knew I couldn’t allow myself to do that. What’s the worst that could possibly happen? This is what I had to ask myself, and I did, for the entire four hour drive down to the coast. Everyone on the staff at H3, my good friends and mentors…would they take one look at me and think me a failure? It was then that I realized that they would never think that, they want nothing but the best for me. They love and respect me! All this fear of others disappointment boiled down to my disappointment with myself. It was all me.
So what happened? I had an amazing time! I completed Devin’s Dash, and felt good about my performance on the course. I met some really incredible people, who I already sense are going to be friends for life. I had the chance to reconnect with all the awesome staff at H3 who are my family, and guests that I had met during my stay. Best of all, I was reunited with four of my HEAVY cast-mates. We lived this together, and being able to openly talk about the struggles that we’ve faced, it was priceless. I have such a renewed appreciation for the shared experience, and such a respect for the strength that we all possess. And that was when it happened…when I began to see this struggle not as something that was destined to be a lifelong struggle, but as an opportunity to further grow into the woman that I am meant to become.
As my vacation in Hilton Head drew to a close, I realized that I hadn’t even been to the beach in the five days I had been there. On my way out of town, I stopped at the public beach access at Coligny. I walked down to the water’s edge, where birds played in puddles of water and watched the waves breaking. There was an nearby tropical storm, and the beach patrol had raised the red flags that read CAUTION and had abandoned their post to seek shelter from the weather. It was rough and gray and windy and rainy and oh so beautiful. There’s just something about going to the beach and watching the ocean, really experiencing it. It’s living proof that there’s something bigger than you, and it always helps me to put my problems into perspective. I decided to take my shoes and socks off, rolled up my pant legs, and walked in the surf, felt the sand between my toes. It then occurred to me that I hadn’t been swimming in the ocean for at least twenty years, and I LOVE swimming in the ocean! That was all it took, I ran back up to my car, grabbed my bathing suit, changed in the public restroom, and ran back down to the beach. Without a moment’s hesitation, I ran straight into the breaking waves until I was submerged, like when I was a little girl doing it for the first time. It was an almost indescribable feeling, like I was being reborn, like the past and all it’s hurts were being washed away…like I was being cleansed of all my fears about the future. Now, I am a musical person, it is a hugely important piece of who I am…so it will be a recurring theme in my blog. When I finally came up for air, I felt and heard something else. It was my inner voice, repeating the lyrics to a song I adore. And it just fit…
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself, to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before
The drive from Hilton Head back to Atlanta was very different from every other drive home. In the past, I would be sad the whole way, feeling a huge sense of loss at leaving what was home for the most transformational six months of my life. I would then wonder when I would again see the people there who I love dearly, and who were so personally committed to me and my success. This time I wasn’t looking forward or back, I was living in the present moment. This actually living, it felt good! The next day, I cut off my long hair and donated it to Locks of Love…something that I’d always wanted to do, but was always scared to. Particularly when I got so heavy, I felt that my long hair was the only thing about me that was feminine. I was afraid to let go of it, I hid behind it. I realized then that it was okay, hair does not make me feel like a woman anymore than the perfect body would make me feel like a goddess. That’s something that comes from within, and can only come from loving myself. And here I am now, exactly one year to the day…getting ready to finally publish my first blog. Where am I going with it? I have absolutely no idea! Is it perfect? Who can say? But I’m doing it, I’m living, and I’m making decisions. What I can guarantee is that I will always be me, and I am an evolving and ever-changing creature…and that’s okay. No, not just okay…beautiful.
Life is for the living. Don’t live in fear of making the wrong decisions, life is too short and much too precious to waste a moment of it. Reach out and grab it, take chances and live the hell out of it…I DARE YOU TO MOVE.
